Friday, April 19, 2013
a lesson in appreciation:: 2 days and counting
I got wrangled into modeling for the styled shoot I worked on yesterday in Birmingham. We didn't have a hair & makeup artist, so I had to look as-is. Which meant, normal, growing-out-a-short-haircut hair that hasn't been highlighted since December. A not-super-skinny body. The makeup I was already wearing. But you know what? God's been giving me lessons. Like TRUSTING Him. Instead of ME. Because, left to my own devices, I'm a hot mess.
He still thinks I'm beautiful. He thinks I'm adequate. He thinks I'm a lovely little person created in His image. He made me the way that I am. He didn't make a mistake in making me.
So often I believe absolute lies about who I am. I believe lies about what I look like, what I'm worth, and what I'll become. Last night, driving by myself for three hours, left to my own thoughts, I was feeling at the bottom of the well. I legitimately convinced myself (or let the enemy convince myself, rather) that I was not good at ANYTHING. That's right, folks, ANYTHING. Not pretty enough, not skinny enough, not fit or athletic enough, not good at singing or dancing, not a good wedding planner or designer, not smart enough, not hardworking enough. Not a good wife or homemaker. I just kept digging a deeper and deeper hole of self-pity and deprecation. You know what? There's no gratitude in that. There's no thankfulness in that. There's no acknowledging blessings in that.
What a miserable place to be.
I legitimately could have ruined my upcoming vacation for myself and for Drew by obsessing over how I look the whole time I'm there. I could go and weigh myself every morning (they have scales in the rooms), berate myself for eating and drinking enjoyable things, binge because I'm miserable and repeat the cycle, refuse to go out in public in a swimsuit... so many things. But here's the thing about obsessing over how I look: Nobody else gives a SHIT what I look like. Not even Drew. Well, he might give a little shit, but that's not why he loves me. He wants me to be healthy so I can live a long life and be active enough to do fun things with him. He wants me to take care of myself and be a good example of a well-rounded, happy mother when we have kids. He wants to be delighted in me... but that doesn't require a certain number on the scale.
I really do love pictures of myself where I'm laughing. I have a friend who once pointed at a picture like that of me and said something offhandedly about how I probably didn't like it... but I do. Even if I'm not 120 pounds or wearing a lot of beautiful makeup or even wearing all that flattering of an outfit... I love laughing pictures of myself. Drew and I call it my "rabid honey badger face" because you can see all of my teeth (seriously) and I kind of look like I'm trying to eat the camera, but it makes me smile. It reminds me how God designed me to be. Happy. Joyful. Dwelling in His blessings. Appreciative of them. You can always tell when I'm fake smiling in pictures. But when I'm laughing? Undeniable joy. Even if it's just for a minute. I laughed a lot in Drew's and my engagement session. And even more on our wedding day. Oh, how I cherish all those laughing portraits on our wedding day! They're my FAVORITE. I love Drew's laughing portraits too. Oh, they make me so happy! Like our first look picture, when he first saw me. Swoon. He has the best smile I have EVER seen, EVER IN THE HISTORY OF EVERNESS.
So, I'm not going to obsess over my fitness for the next two days before I go to the Dominican Republic with my beloved husband. I'm just going to appreciate all of my limbs, all of the glorious things God designed my body to do, all of the blessings that have been undeservedly bestowed upon me, and just thank Him for them all. That's called giving it up to Him, finally. I'm sure I'll deal with this on and off for a long time... but today, I'm giving it over to Him. One day at a time. I do believe He has the power to help me get over this unhealthy obsession once and for all, and eventually He will give me that total freedom so much that I never have to worry or needlessly suffer again. There are bigger fish to fry in the kingdom. This hasn't even got a modicum of importance in any larger scheme of life.